I have started and stopped writing this blog post several times over the last week. I didn’t think that it would make me so emotional, but it has brought up feelings from the past that I didn’t know I was still hanging on to. I had so many words in my mind that I wanted to get out and then all of the sudden I had no words.
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and I’ve had a lot on my mind about my own infertility and the struggle of so many other amazing women I know and love, and those that I don’t know.
Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples. It manifests in many different ways and for many different reasons. And it comes with so many feelings. So. Many. Feelings.
Everyone experiences their infertility differently and one person probably goes through a series of feelings in a different way than another.
These are feelings that I have gone through in dealing with my own infertility.
Determination – I remember after finding out that I had PCOS and that because of it we would have a hard time getting pregnant. I was ready to prove that doctor wrong. I was going to get pregnant. I didn’t know much about PCOS at the time and how it was affecting my body but I didn’t care. I wanted it so bad and I just knew it would happen.
Frustration – After about 6 months of being so sure that I would be different, that we would get pregnant, that determination started wear off. It turned into frustration. Why wasn’t this working? I was taking the medications that they told me would increase my chances. They told me that most people were able to get pregnant with this cocktail of meds. Why wasn’t I included in that?
That frustration turned to hurt, anger, fear, and heartache.
I felt hurt that I wasn’t “good enough” to be able to get pregnant when I wanted it so badly.
I was angry. Why were girls out there able to have a one night stand and get pregnant, yet here I am calculating every possible thing in order to time it just right so that we could get pregnant, and still it failed. How was that fair?
I became so afraid that I would never get to live out my dream of becoming a mother. That’s all I ever wanted.
My heart literally hurt. There is so much emotional as well as physical pain that comes with infertility and I felt that immensely in my heart.
There were times I felt incredibly jealous of others around me that were getting pregnant. I so badly wanted what they had. I’m not proud to admit it, but it’s something I had to work through. Luckily I was able to work through it and I learned how to truly be so happy for someone else that was pregnant or recently gave birth. I would never wish infertility on anyone else, so it became a joyful thing to be surrounded by friends and family members that were able to easily have babies. And that meant I was able to be a part of their lives as well.
Stress – I’ve never felt so stressed. Infertility was stressful for me personally, it was stressful on our marriage, and it was stressful on our finances. I felt at times that I was letting Justin down because I was the reason he couldn’t have a family of his own. He never once did anything to make me feel that way, it was all my own feelings, but it’s something I worried about a lot. And let me tell you, infertility medications are not cheap! Sometimes I think about where we would be financially if we hadn’t had to put so much into treatments. It’s not a good place to go. And obviously, I would spend that money on more babies in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t change a thing.
I also felt, more than any other time in my life, the love that my Heavenly Father and my Savior have for me. Through all the tears (sobs really), the hurt, the anger, the frustration, the jealousy, the stress. My Savior was there for me, wrapped his arms around me at times, and loved me. So. Much. Love. He sent people into my life when I needed them most to show me His love.
Learning to feel that love definitely took some time. But through it I was able to feel hope and strengthen my faith. He guided me and led us every step of the way.
It didn’t make sense financially for us to do an IVF treatment. But we felt strongly that that’s what we needed to do. And He blessed us with the two most beautiful girls that we could’ve ever imagined.
We have been so very blessed in our struggle and trial of infertility. I know not everyone’s story is the same. And even after having these sweet girls there are times when my heart still hurts because the infertility hasn’t gone away. Some of these feelings resurface when I feel the desire to grow our family. But you work through a lot of those feelings. You become stronger. You learn to be happy in the now. You count your blessings and show gratitude for them.
I have learned to trust God. He really does know best. I believe that I am a better woman and mother than I would’ve been had I not had the experiences that I have had. I needed/need this trial to help me become all that God knows I can be.
I hope that those that may be struggling with their infertility trials at this time will be able to see the light. To know that God loves you so much. Draw close to Him and He will bless your life. He will help you to find the fulfillment you need in your life at this time.
And if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to vent to. I’m your girl!
Infertility sucks, but we are strong enough to survive it!